When I first started grief counseling in 2023, one of the first questions my counselor asked me was, “What are your beliefs about grief?” It was a great question—one I hadn’t really considered before.

As I reflected, I realised I held certain beliefs about grief that, over time, I’ve come to understand aren’t entirely true. Here are a few that stood out to me:

Time is a healer

You may not agree, but after losing my Dad in 2023, I’ve learned that, for me, time is not a healer. Yes, time makes the pain feel a bit more manageable, and the rawness of grief might soften, but some wounds never fully heal. Instead of “healing,” I’ve found that grief reshapes us. It forces us to grow in ways we never expected, take new paths, and sometimes, become completely different people. Grief doesn’t disappear with time—we simply learn how to carry it.

If you don’t cry, you’re not grieving

I’ve always said, “I’m not a crier,” and for the most part, that’s true. But I now recognise the value of crying. Crying releases stress hormones like cortisol, helping us process intense emotions and find relief.

That said, I don’t often cry when others cry or when I watch something sad. It doesn’t mean I’m not grieving. It doesn’t mean I’m not feeling pain, sadness, or overwhelming emotions. Grief shows up in different ways. So if you’re not a crier, that’s okay. Just remember it’s still important to find an outlet for those emotions—whether it’s through talking, writing, or another form of release—so they don’t build up and surface in unexpected ways.

Whatever you do- don’t hold back the tears. It will help you to release and feel lighter.

Everyone grieves the same

Even if we are grieving for the same person, no two people will grieve in the same way. Our grief is shaped by so many factors: the nature of our relationship with the person we lost, our life experiences, and how much emotional work we’ve done before the loss.

One person might be more expressive, while another processes quietly. There’s no “right” way to grieve. Understanding this has helped me release the expectation that others should mourn like I do or that I should mirror someone else’s grief.

There is an end to grief

I used to believe there was an endpoint to grief—that after enough time, tears, and “doing the work,” I’d eventually feel “better.” But I’ve come to realise that grief doesn’t have a finish line.

Instead of ending, it evolves. Some days, it feels distant, a quiet ache in the background. Other days, it crashes over me like a wave. But it’s always there, woven into the fabric of my life. The goal isn’t to get over grief—it’s to grow around it.

Grief is deeply personal, unpredictable, and ever-changing. The beliefs I once held about grief have shifted through my own experience of loss. I’ve learned that time doesn’t erase pain, crying isn’t the only way to grieve, everyone’s journey is unique, and there’s no true end to grief—just a gradual transformation.

If you’re grieving, give yourself grace. Let go of the “shoulds” and “supposed tos.” Your grief is yours alone, and however it unfolds, it’s valid. Keep growing around your grief, and know that you’re not alone.